My ex was a very successful, handsome attorney. Graduated from college and law school with high honors. I was a young college student when I met him out on the town one night with my girlfriends. He was relentless at trying to get my phone number. I toyed with him all night waiting/hoping he would get tired of me and go away. I just wasn’t interested having just broken up with my boyfriend. He didn’t go away – instead he melted my heart with his sheepish grin and I gave him my number. There began a breathtaking romance that my roommate said made me “glow”. He drank moderately and smoked an occasional joint. He exercised and took great care of himself — gave me grief for smoking. Within a few months he talked marriage and babies. I was very happy with him but it was all happening so fast, i told him i wasn’t ready…he was sad, he was 9 yrs older and ready..took it as a rejection. He began pulling away..I tried to bring him back …had a revelation,told him i was ready for marriage now, babies..but he was no longer interested…thus began the torturous part of our story.

I tried like hell to get him back…we would have crazy coincidental meetings..a phone call here and there, maybe a dinner..but he was moving on. My sometimes desperate attempts to reach him were met with occasional cruelty. He would set up a date only to cancel or stand me up. He would dangle the carrot only to yank it away. Slowly eroding my self-esteem..my friends and family hated him and were disappointed in my apparent lack of pride. I knew he was playing me but I couldn’t let go.

Years went by and i slowly moved on..got involved in a church..still had crazy coincidental run-ins with him..always excited to see him but much less hopeful about any reconciliation. 7 yrs after we met, he invited me to a bbq..brought a friend with me..he acted like a jerk. Constantly running into the bathroom, wasted..not being a great host. I was stunned..who was this guy? His friends were different…not like his friends when we were dating years ago. They were kinda…trashy. didn’t really see him much after that…fast forward 1 yr..he saw me at a large party..came up to me upset saying “we had to talk”. I left with him…kinda excited..but cautious. Got in his car and he immediately wanted to do cocaine. AAArgh, told him to stop the car and let me out. Told me he was kidding and convinced me to stay.. he then began to pour his heart out..he said he was “messed up”. I stroked his hair and said “no sweetie, you’re ok”. Back at his townhouse, he threw up. Acted nonchalant about it. Showed me a gun he had purchased…poured out his heart some more, said he was a loner..but said he and i had a bond. thought we made a connection again that night but he was back to his old tricks…setting up dates and cancelling them. About a month later, he left an odd sounding voicemail for me..he had bought a house and wanted me to see it..said i would love it. Never followed through on it though. A few weeks later i took a job across the country. I never said good-bye or let him know i was leaving. I thought he didn’t care and I needed to finally close this chapter. On my last day as i was driving to the airport, I passed him coming towards me in the opposite direction. He was fidgeting in his seat like he couldn’t get comfortable. He didn’t see me and that was the last time i ever saw him. I erased him from my mind..made all new friends who never heard of this guy and all my heartache over him. It was so nice to start fresh.

Fast forward 13 yrs..got curious and googled him. Found out he died 6 months after I left town. Called the county morgue — acute cocaine toxicity. They said he had been “found”. I was an innocent…had no idea he was hooked on cocaine. Now I can’t believe I didn’t realize it. I’ve cried and cried over the news. I am heartbroken. So for all you addicts who see loved ones leave your side…they still love you. And they always will…they just have to protect themselves.

Every time I would come down from the high, or “crash” it would hit harder. I would sleep sometimes the entire day and even if I didn’t I was not good company. I would get splitting headaches and just feel miserable. All I could think of was snorting more of that drug and feeling good again. When I wasn’t on the coke, it was almost impossible to get motivated to do anything. The energy was just another crutch I used for using drugs. My cocaine addiction story is like so many others. I know because I watched my friends go through it too.

Mine turns out happier than most other stories, however. I lost one friend to cocaine and three others ended up in prison as a result of using (and needing) cocaine. Another friend ended up in an abusive relationship with someone who willingly supplied her with coke, but beat her regularly. I’m here to tell you that there is no such thing as a happy ending to cocaine addiction stories. They all end badly. At the very least, there are years wasted, and at the worse, lives are lost.

I’m thankful that my addiction is a thing of the past. I no longer rely on drugs to get me through the day. I remember the sensations well but I now can be happy and feel sensual without the use of any drug.

The only good part to a cocaine addiction story is the part where the addict stops the drug.

Whether it has been weeks, months or years since you first tried cocaine, it is time to make the decision to stop letting cocaine run your life and if need be, to seek treatment. That is what I did and I will never regret the decision to stop.

Because I wonder what people go through and how there lives are affected. Personally I think the stories are deep. Hard to finish reading and knowing what’s going to happen. But only way to know is to keep going. I do cocaine quit often and I’m always thinking of doing some drug or getting it. I’m a quite calm person but I’m not slopy. I can control myself easily. But except when I’m doing cocaine. Like once I do it I keep doing it. But when it’s all gone I start thinking. And I go into a mood where I’m saying I’m going to straightin up but I keep making the wrong decisions. Really hard to explain. But maybe someone will understand.

I made a bad decision letting my friend try it and he’s keep saying “Dude I’m think I’m going to do this every day now. I love it.” I’m just sitting there just thinking what a mess I am.

-jesse7832

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