Cocaine Addiction

I never gave much thought to fixing my problem until it was all too late. It all came to grief on Christmas Day but don’t say that it’s all my blame – no, I won’t listen to that kind of talk. Who was the one who wanted designer gear for the kids, private school and even a pony. Who said they didn’t mind if I worked away from home, fly in fly out – no problem – we had to keep focused on the “benefits of education and social connection” for our kids, and a non-playing membership of the local golf club for entertaining friends.

These jobs that keep you away from home compensate you well – sure it was a dry ship we were on – but the food was superb, in house entertainment up with the best, a gym, a sauna and clothes were laundered daily.

Was always a bit of a culture shock to walk back in the door of our family home – you don’t expect perfection with three kids under 8, but it was a perfect mess. How the wife got the kid’s breakfasts – got them out the door to school, with all their gear and homework done, all perfectly dressed and groomed is beyond my understanding.

I got into going down to the club and having a few drinks – got in with the sort of bar-flies that seem to live their lives in clubs, don’t seem to have regular jobs. This started to cause rows at home – not so much about me going out – but about me wasting money. There were things to fix around the home – surely I could fix things up when I was home, instead of her having to pay out money to tradesmen. I sort of thought I’d compromise, and divided my time 50/50 between doing chores and drinking at the club.

Then it turned out that some of the guys at the club were going to Vegas, at a time when I would be  off work and normally would come home. Said I would join them for a few days, couldn’t see any problem.

Tried to think of a way to tell the wife, but decided in the end less said soonest mended – and anyway, thinking about the trip had made me feel the happiest I’d been for months – why spoil it.

The wife fell for the overtime bit – great she said, more money – and I was off to Vegas.

Well, I don’t know how other people go on when they get to a place like Vegas – a town with no public clocks, that is like a giant fantasy – except that you are really in it. My mates from the club had good connections – really knew how to party – and yes, I have to admit there were girls, but not until well into the trip and only after one young minx had suggested that I try coke – it is real powerful stuff.

Vaguely I came to a recollection that it was time to pack my bag,  time to fill in the rest of my break –  back home and doing chores. I decided to stay on.

Once I was safely back at sea – I’d call my wife, tell her I’d worked right through.Too easy!

As I approached my next leave home, it became easier and harder – harder to go back home, easier to go back to Vegas. The wife was happy enough it seemed, anticipating more money. Back in Vegas, I relaxed, got into the gaming and the lifestyle. Third time I did this – I missed the time to get back to my hometown, and then fly up to the rig. I got back to work, just in time by using a direct flight.

Personnel called me in, asked if there was trouble at home – I said none that I knew of. They said to let them know, as leave could be arranged, and counselling if required. It made me think it might look better if I stayed at home next leave.

My wife was happy to see me, she had run up a little bill at the local department store on their in-house credit – could I fix a monthly debit on my account to cover it. For the first time in months, I went into my study, got onto my internet banking. I felt a sort of fear, a rising panic as I saw that the amount left in credit, in my account, wouldn’t even cover next months mortgage payment. Let alone the next term school fees.

I wanted escape, I wanted coke, I wanted to get back to the rig. I’d had a few wins in Vegas, where had all the money gone.

The break passed by in a haze of suffering, I badly needed some coke – there was nothing between me and the wife except her wondering why I wasn’t eating, why she had to stop spending money, why I was morose.

I suppose I could have got through, if only I had stopped using coke and got back to normal living. Ok, Vegas was off limits but I ended up buying coke down at the club – saw it as a consolation.

And so it took another year before reality set in. I’d re-financed with my bank, paid off various debts, happily went in again just before Christmas, to get another increase, only to be told that on my income I was now at the limit of my credit.

And so in our lavish home, there was no credit for Christmas presents, no money for food on the table.

Only enough money in my wallet to pay for a line of coke – it was my consolation.

More cocaine Info:

Since he first learned to walk, Gerry wanted to fly. Ran around the house, arms outstretched – making aeroplane noises. Unable to sit still in class, and learn his lessons, Gerry was the subject of many parent-teacher consultations – diagnosed with hyperactivity. Eventually everyone agreed – including Gerry – that his best possible hope for redemption – was to join the military who it was hoped would be able to instill some discipline.

Gerry chose to join up with the Navy, found himself in test pilot training. Gerry was in seventh heaven until the fateful day that he suffered a G-LOC or blackout. It meant a sad and sorry end to his aspirations.

Gerry took it badly at first, went back home and drowned his sorrows in drink. Encouraged to go out and socialize, Gerry ended up finding a sociable group who were heavily into cocaine.

Cocaine use got him out of the dumps long enough to think about looking for work.

Gerry became a technical writer, continued to use cocaine.

On internet he found communities who enjoyed playing video games – Gerry found the games almost like the challenge that test pilot training had been.

Except to go out and get cocaine, Gerry spent his time playing online video games.

If it had not been for his parents who supported him financially, made sure that he got enough food, Gerry could easily have starved.

It could have gone on for years that way, except that Melanie, who knew Gerry from school, unexpectedly returned to her hometown.

She took an interest in Gerry, until he admitted that he used cocaine.

As Gerry puts it – I couldn’t believe what she said, didn’t think that she would care, one way or the other. Told me I was wasting my life, told me to grow up, and get over not being a test pilot anymore.

Melanie got up as if to leave, and said that every morning she went walking around the park – if I had nothing better to do – I was welcome to join her.

So, early next morning, I made my way downtown and there was Melanie in the park.

I wasn’t long before I realized how unfit I’d got. Melanie said that if I wanted to play tennis she would book us a court at the weekend.

The walking and the tennis fitted into my life quite well – I needed something to do.

After a while I asked Melanie why she had come back to town.

Melanie said that she’d made a mistake, got pregnant, decided to have an abortion.

For a while she had thought that everything was fine, but had suddenly come down with a deep depression, was on some antidepressants. Hated taking the stuff, it made her feel quite strange. She would rather not be on them but was frightened that if she stopped, her depression would come back.

More than anything else I wanted to help Melanie get back to being her normal, happy self. Over the next few days I encouraged her to talk about her situation as we walked around the park.

One morning Melanie showed up with a happy grin – next thing you’ll be charging me by the hour Dr Gerry she said – I do think our walking and talking in the park has finally got me clear of all that guilt, and shame I was feeling – I’ve been off the medication now for over a week and there is no sign of my depression coming back.

I never thought about what it meant if Melanie got better until she told me one morning that she was so much better now that she was going back to her training.

I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach.

That day I found that I had a real craving for cocaine – used up all my supply, had to get money from my parents to go out, get some more.

Never got to the park next morning – used cocaine instead.

Melanie’s final words to me were Gerry, if you are still using that stuff – please, do try and get off it.

In some ways she had been my lifeline. Now I felt like I was drifting away in my mind, back into into some vast unknown – like a sailor, lost at sea. I lived for the little hits of happiness that cocaine was giving me.

This could have gone on for years – except my parents pulled me up short. I had long since spent my savings, had no regular income, had been dependent on the folks for some time.

We gave you money to help out they said, but we can’t go on at this rate – it will send us broke. I got a bit angry – said it hadn’t been that much. This made my Dad sit down and reckon it up. I think that we were both shocked to realize that – they had in dribs and drabs given me over ten thousand dollars.

I wanted more coke, and parent’s money had become an issue – I was feeling so frustrated I took my car and sold it to a dealer that afternoon for whatever they would give me, and felt a sense of reprieve.

It wasn’t until that money ran out that I realized I had a problem – went to my parents, said I needed help. Dad was easy, said he’d pay for rehab. He said the best value for money looked like it would be a comprehensive program – at least they gave an estimated time for full recovery – didn’t use any drugs in the treatment.

I walked into that center feeling happy, although I was a bit strung out – feeling like at last, I was going to get my life back together – and under control.

Relapse is not a problem when you have got addiction beaten! Alcohol, Cocaine or whatever.

see article:   http://www.alcoholaddict.info/alcohol-addiction/avoiding-alcohol-relapse.html

Cheers!

Jane was born to a quiet family, a sister and a brother, and from an early age her parents called her Calamity Jane. Things happened around Jane, that try as she might to behave herself – still inevitably happened. She grew up shy and awkward, as one might expect, in someone who was considered by her parents to be a walking disaster area.

Take for instance the farm stay holiday, when Jane swung out on a rope, as did her brother and sister – but the rope frayed out, on Jane’s second turn, dumping her into an open cess pit. As her mother scrubbed her down she could not resist to say – what you get up to is quite beyond me – you are a real Calamity Jane.

And it was true – if a fly fell into someone’s soup, if there was a caterpillar in a tossed salad – you didn’t need to ask – it would always be Jane’s.

Jane learned to accept her failings, took a fatalistic approach. If she survived a day without calamity, parental reproach – she was happy enough.

Came the time for leaving school, Jane had average grades and needed to find employment. Something safe, her parents said, with Jane’s reputation for calamity. She did a course in data entry and got a steady job.

Her parents were suddenly into investment. Having money to spare after paying off their home mortgage, a financial adviser revealed to them the meaning and power of “equity loans”.

They wanted the investment potential, but were mistrusting of tenants who might trash the place, or run up an excess water bill that they might have to pay.

So they turned to Jane and said – if she wanted a place of her own, they would buy the property. She could pay them rent, live there – and have a life of her own.

Jane said ok, she would do that, and it was agreed. Her parents said they would buy the furnishings, after all, why not – tax deductible, according to the financial adviser.

In the vast apartment block, Jane soon met up with people from all walks of life. Most fascinating of all was Henri, known to be into drugs, according to tenants who appeared to be somewhat concerned for her welfare.

Henri was no chancer – made the right moves. Got out of rent, and into Jane’s flat in less than a week. Cocaine user, and part time dealer, Jane fell under Henri’s spell.

Cocaine and Henri, Henri – cocaine. And then it became – cocaine, cocaine, cocaine.

Jane stopped going to work. The bank stopped a rental debit against Jane’s savings account.

No answer to phone calls. Jane’s enraged parents decided to go round and visit their daughter – Calamity Jane. Hammered on the front door.

Jane got up wearily, answered the door. Offering no resistance, Jane’s parents took her home.

They took in tenants, bore the risk, to cover their position on the apartment. Told Jane that she was a hopeless case, a calamity, never to be trusted.

And Jane decided, they were right, she was a hopeless case – stole what she could from the family home to keep on buying cocaine.

Jane survived until one day she took some notes from a pile that her father had left on the kitchen table – thinking he might not notice. Turned out it was black money intended to cover apartment repairs. The contractor was not impressed, thought he was being ripped off..

Jane’s father sorted the problem out and then he turned on Jane, saying – get out of my house – right now. I don’t want to see your face, ever again.

Jane felt wronged, felt overwhelmed. Decided to stand up for her rights.

You and Mom have picked on me, every day of my life, made me the reason for your problems – the scapegoat for everything that’s ever been not perfect in your lives. It’s not my fault I fell out of the tree, it was the rope that broke – always you have laughed at me, told your friends about that.

Jane’s father was taken aback, surprised – what are you talking about – what tree, what rope – I don’t understand.

Years ago, I fell into a cesspool – because a tree swing broke – you and Mom always blamed me for that – said I was a Calamity Jane.

Jane’s Dad remembered it then, could have gone either way, supported Jane in her misery, or told her to get over it. Jane’s Dad said yes, I remember it now – your mother was so upset. You really should not have played on the tree swing – being so un-athletic, not like your brother or sister.

Jane took him at his word, why not, she had always been a failure – hitting up on coke had been the only happiness she had known.

Jane went back to her room, took anything of value. Got money, found a dealer, used cocaine and overdosed.

Saved by paramedics, taken to hospital – Jane vaguely saw her parents standing by the bed – but she heard, and responded to the words they said.

We need you Jane, we love you. We want you to come home – we need to talk – and get things sorted out.

Cocaine relapse can happen at different points in the recovery process for individuals. Cocaine is a highly addictive drug that perpetuates a strong physical craving for more. I lived in fear of relapse. Being able to recognize the variety of trigger points and avoiding them helps me steer clear of using again. Without continuing in cocaine rehab treatment, relapse is likely. Alcohol is the most common reason for cocaine relapse.

Getting cocaine addiction advice and learning about the issues that fuel a cocaine craving helped me understand what I was going through. My relapses came in stages:

Emotional responses, management of feelings and behaviors
Triggers like stressful situations
Cravings

In rehab, I learned that certain thoughts and behaviors can lower your resistance to a craving. These “set-up behaviors” can put you in a place where you are vulnerable to a relapse. They are a combination of physical, psychological, and social triggers. Physical set-ups for me were:

Poor diet
Excessive use of caffeine or nicotine
Lack of exercise

Psychological set-ups:

Remembering only the good aspects of cocaine and not all the problems it caused.
Denying the strength my addiction
Believing that using now and then won’t hurt.

Social set-ups:

Lack of communication with friends and family
Socializing with other drug-using friends
Social conflict

Triggers activate immediate craving in me. They deal more with the mental, emotional and even spiritual aspects of certain situations. Intense cravings make me very susceptible to a relapse. I don’t have many friends, but when I experience a craving, I can call a counselor who can encourage me. I know I have turned to Wikipedia and Cocaine Addiction websites to know my enemy better.

Megan was a model and Karon worked as an editor for a lifestyle magazine. Cousins due to their mother’s being sisters, and both being an only child, they had always been close, very much like sisters. They were highly competitive and took a delight in meeting up and showing off the latest in designer clothing, and fashion accessories – both ordering low calorie salads and mineral water – and perhaps a small black coffee.

Megan didn’t drink, but used cocaine with discretion to keep at bay what would otherwise have been an obsession for chocolate and creme covered pastries. Karon saw her frugal lunches with Megan as a brief respite from the regular alcohol drinking, long lunches and editorial deadlines that filled in her time while husband Adam was away.

It was at one of their regular lunch time meetings that Karon burst out with her “news” – after trying for ages, at last – she and Adam were pregnant! Megan was thrilled to bits – she too had plans to start a family at the end of the season.

Karon gave up the alcohol and found that it wasn’t that hard – what with the job, and planning a nursery, and looking at baby clothes she felt cool, in control, and on top of the world. She planned to go back to work part time when the baby was born – but Adam was insisting that she take a year off, and get properly into motherhood.

In fact it was more than a suggestion. It seemed that Adam had changed – his attitude was pointedly clear – her work had been fine to pass the time, but he saw her real job as being a mother to their child and hopefully more children to come.

Karon read books, bought the accessories, knew pretty much what to expect, true she wanted this child very much, but she didn’t want to part with her job. She compromised by deciding to work right through to the very last minute. And so it was only one week after her send off party from work that Karon went into labor and had a healthy and boisterous son.

Karon was fine in the hospital where everyone was helpful and efficient. Five days later she returned home in a taxi, with her young son.  Adam had been there for the birth but was now overseas on a six month contract.

Holding Josh in her arms and standing in the hallway, Karon heard the taxi door slam and take off down the driveway. Karon suddenly felt light headed, fearful of what to do, she clung fiercely to the baby, while wanting to put him down and fix herself a drink.

The telephone rang, it was her mother – calling interstate  – making sure that things were o k, and of course Karon said that they were. Starting to fix a drink – planning to wash the dirty clothes that she’d brought back from the hospital, hoping to fix some lunch, baby Josh cried out from the couch, where she had put him down.

Karon found herself hours later with nothing done, sitting on the couch holding a well fed baby who wouldn’t be put down in his cot, who wanted to be held.

Karon felt overwhelmed at the power this baby had, her total loss of freedom, finally bundled him under one arm, determined to get that long awaited drink if it was the last thing she ever did.

Lunch with Megan was at Karon’s house the following week, Karon was visibly tired, looked extremely depressed. Megan was sympathetic, said that she understood. It must be like hitting a brick wall after having such a high power job. The best pick me up that Megan knew of was a little whiff of coke – why not try it, I’ve got some right here in my purse said Megan, and Karon said o k.

For Karon it was white magic, suddenly all was right with the world, Josh and his demanding ways wasn’t a problem any more. Karon straight away felt like calling back some other young mothers she knew. They had planned to meet after Josh was born but Karon had not felt up to returning their calls.

As Megan was leaving, Karon said – I’d like some more of that – I’ll pay you whatever it costs – can you come back tomorrow. Megan looked shocked but said that she would try and see what she could do – it’s not like I’ve got a habit she said, I usually wait til the weekend to get more from my dealer.

Megan called next day, said it was difficult. If Karon would wait til the weekend, she would get her some coke then. Karon was angry, but bit her lip, sure Megan, no problem, I’ll wait.

The next time Josh cried out, Karon made him wait, it was a sort of payback for Megan not bringing the coke. She found that if she left him long enough, Josh would simply stop crying and go back to sleep. Next time he cried she picked him up, encouraged him to feed. She had heard that alcohol in mother’s milk sent babies back to sleep, and it seemed to work. Josh asleep gave her some respite, but she felt trapped in the house.

Instead of calling up her friends, Karon simply sat in her chair, waiting for the weekend, when Megan would be round with the coke. Let the washing pile up, leave the dishes unwashed, what the hell does it matter.

Opening a bottle of sweet white wine, Karon sloshed it into a glass, raised it in mock salute towards the nursery door, drank the wine, poured out another glassful and quickly drained the lot. Here’s cheers to motherhood, said Karon bitterly, as she began to sip her third glass of wine that morning.