Cocaine Addiction

I don’t know who to turn to – I’ve lost everything – I just want to wake up dead. It’s hopeless, hopeless – pointless. My well meaning friends that still speak to me at all call up to see how I am – that’s a joke. None of them care – no one comes round – haven’t had a social invite anywhere since my name was in the papers. They ask how I am –don’t wait for an answer…..have I heard from him …have they caught him yet – and where did he really come from – I say I’ve got another call waiting and I quickly hang up.

 I asked someone who I thought was a good friend to come out for a coffee – too busy she said – would let me know when she had some free time – hasn’t called back since.

 Leo – said he was Portugese – now I don’t even believe that. Met him at a party – he was new in town. Wished he’d met me sooner – he was flying out on Friday but would be coming back. Said he was expecting to stay for a while if some business deals worked out. Somehow I seemed to tell him just what he needed to know _ – I owned my own apartment, well connected socially – comfortably off with a part time job – and no boy friend on the scene. He said he would be in touch – once he had found a place to stay. He called me the following week from the best hotel in town – somehow it was my suggestion that he came and stayed with me.

 I acted like I was just doing a friend a favor but secretly I wanted him to make passionate love to me. It seemed like it was me who made all the moves to get him into bed. Never realized until the end it was him who was pulling my strings. Although he was secretive about his business life he was the best lover ever to me. I was enchanted, delighted, excited.

 Nothing prepared me for that phone call from a man who said he was Leo’s lawyer. A complete misunderstanding, a terrible mistake – but Leo had been arrested in connection with cocaine – a million dollar consignment intercepted by the police. I was horrified. Leo wrongly arrested – was there anything I could do? What Leo needs most right now is to get bail – can’t do anything while they’ve got him banged up. Surety was half a million –they would accept real estate. I met the lawyer at the courthouse where I signed the papers.

 I was told to go home and wait – Leo would come to me. He never called, his mobile was disconnected. The lawyer had given me a phony card – no one of that name was registered as a lawyer anywhere in the country. In panic I called the courthouse to find out when Leo was next due in court. In 7 days time they said. I put down the phone and my hands were trembling – I knocked off a bottle of wine, even then I couldn’t sleep. Called in sick to work – never been back since – they haven’t even called.

 Leo didn’t turn up for his hearing. It got first page in all the papers – with me named as Leo’s partner – and his surety.

Now I’ve got 30 days before the property will be seized and sold. I’ve got no one, nowhere to go – I want to creep away from everything – I feel so betrayed, abandoned – by Leo and everyone -I just want to kill myself.

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Things are real bad – I feel so ashamed – hit my grandson down at the school yard a few weeks ago – someone must have reported it as police came round to see me – they said they feel real sorry for my situation but they have to charge me – have to go the juvenile court – there’s a charge of assault – oh god, I feel so ashamed. I love my grandson – I’d never harm him – I can’t believe this has happened  - the shame – I want to cry but I can’t. He was playing up you know – a really hot day, I was exhausted – I’m not as young as I was – no husband any more – I nursed him through cancer right to the day he passed away – and now this – I feel like I want to get away from this – thinking about taking some pills – I can’t take any more – the shame oh, the shame – I just feel so ashamed.

 Yes, my grandson lives with me now all of the time – he often calls me Mum – they told me off down at the school said I have to stop him calling me Mum or he will get screwed up – well, I am his mother really – he never gets to see her – she comes and goes as she pleases – never know when to expect her –except she wants money – or just some place to crash. I think I’ve really screwed up her life – that she uses crack – it’s all my fault – not being a good mother to her or why would she use crack.

 She ran off from home when she was only 14 – couldn’t do anything with her at home – I should have tried harder – I’m a no good mother – should have done things differently but what could I do – she was underage when she got pregnant – yeah, she knew the father – sometimes I think we would be better off if she didn’t. Just think I’m going to have to tell that child one day that his father’s a no good junkie – and in all honesty – his mother’s no better – only comes round to scrounge – never to see her child.

 I wouldn’t mind so much if I had money – I only have the pension – I could get some extra money – but I’d have to apply to the Court and my daughter says point blank – she won’t sign any forms about her child – her child –huh, she never sees him for months on end – oh. God I feel so tired.

 I can’t keep up with the little scamp – he completely wears me out – I’m all he’s got in the world – I can’t let him down – he means everything to me –I have let him down – my biggest fear is that when I go to the Court – they will take him off me –tell me they won’t do that – I’m scared that will happen – my little grandson all alone in the world – fostered out with strangers – all because I really stuffed up that day when I hit him – I only meant to give him a clip round the ear as you do, but somehow I just got really mad and belted him across the head so hard that he staggered and fell over –he soon got up again – didn’t even cry…I took his hand, took him home … I thought that was the end of it until the police came round – and now I feel like I am so worthless – I just want everything to go away – take a few pills – tell me they won’t take my grandson away.

Bet you don’t get to see many customers like me in a week – crack addicts off the street. Been sent here they say it’s a different way you do things here – so shoot – what do you want from me?

 Well no body ever said to me before that I can say whatever I like – it’s funny – it’s a bit hard to make a start – but here goes anyway. Been doing crack since I was nine – with my older brother. He died in a street fight when I was twelve. I got no one else. Lived on the street since then. Just trash to people like you – yeah – you, just sitting there not talking at all – you still get to make a dollar.

How easy is that, top cat –making easy money, not doing a fuckin’ thing for it. Sitting there in your easy chair – yeah, certificates on the wall – you don’t have a fuckin’ clue what it’s like out there on the street. Fuck you!  I’m gettin’ out of here. Fuck you! 

 (Well, aren’t you going to throw me out –terminate this interview – that’s what usually happens. Piss them off, they say piss off. That way I get control. This person isn’t arguing, that I do not get.)

 You don’t understand my life on the street – it’s honest, in its way. Why the fuck you just sittin’ there? You should be giving me the piss off by now – wanting me out of your really clean “consulting” room – putting me back on the street

 OK, so we gotta fill the hour – I’ll go on with my story.

 I’ve been in front of the panel for juveniles three times – been on probation. Next time I get caught for anything – I’ll be doing time.

 I never think about my brother. I wish he was still here – the hardest thing I ever did in my life was walk out that mortuary door. It was like I went to a different place somewhere inside my head. It was shittin’ down rain that afternoon, I didn’t even feel it. Since that day I have to say, I haven’t felt a thing. Nothing touches me no more, not even the whores – I only get off on crack……… See you same time next week.

 Well, here we are again. I reckon something did me good. No one I ever said fuck to before didn’t hit me back in some way or another.

 So, what exactly is your line? OK, so I just go on talking. Well, fuck’s sake  -  I’m leaving  – I got nothin’ to say.

 Sorry not to come in the last couple of weeks, but I decided to come back – to tell you about my brother.

 You know in all the world he is the only person who really meant anything to me – and now fuck damn them – he’s not there anymore for me.

 You know sometimes I feel like it was the end of my world, the day my brother died. You know he was going to make something of himself – get into the construction game – he was looking into it when they knifed him in the gut.

 They said he would have survived if only he had been taken to emergency a few hours sooner…. Fuck’s sake.

 Yes, back again. Been thinking about crack. I need to make something out of my life. I owe it to my brother.

Oh, now what have you done to me – I’m blubbering like a baby. Shit! …..Help me get a handle on this – I never cried before in my life.

Yes, I’m James – I come from a good family. Having a few problems with my manager at work. HR department sent me here –said it was just a routine appointment to check on the well being of staff.

 They realize the problems I’m having with my boss – they want me to give you some background so that they can sort him out. I’m hoping you might help me with that.

 I am a senior accountant – bookkeeper really – got overlooked for promotion since some years ago. Managed to take a peep in my file – written at the top of a page – Not recommended for further promotion. Seeing it written confirmed my worst suspicions – I’ve been thinking for a while now that the department manager’s been out to get me for a very long time.

 Lots of little things suddenly make sense – I realize now that what he’s trying to do is get me to resign. Just lately I’ve had to work longer hours until late at night – we’ve got a new computer system – it’s still in beta stage. My name got left off the list for a training course to use it – manager assures me it was an accidental mistake – that I’m down for the next training – meanwhile – just do my best to use it. Of course, I know he’s lying.

 I often see him looking at me – pretending he’s just looking around – he’s got this satisfied smirk on his face. Gives me new work to do – just at the end of the day – says I know I can rely on you James to get it done on time. Then I’ll find that it’s full of errors. That’s ok – now I’m awake up to him – I double check everything twice to make sure – no way he’s going to get me making any mistakes.

 Another thing – he’s trying to intimidate me – I’ve never thought of stealing money from the company – although I can see a few ways it could be done, that’s if I ever needed money – which I don’t. Saw a police car parked in the street opposite my window the other day -reckon it was the boss’s way of warning me that I shouldn’t go that way if I ever needed more money which I don’t.

 I’ve started working back late in the evenings as it is quieter then – sometimes during the day I get distracted – wondering who the manager has got in mind to take over my position. I think he’s got young Leonard lined up for my job – I often see them having a joke together and looking in my direction. Leonard sometimes stops by and enquires about my health.

 Couple of days ago the manager told me that I needed to use a different format – I knew he was setting me up again – trying to get me to make a mistake. I was shocked to see my hands start to tremble. The boss noticed – he laughed – said James – you’d better stay off the drink. Everyone knows in the office I don’t touch the stuff. No, I don’t use alcohol – never have used that.

 Hey, you seem like a nice person – someone I could trust – can I tell you something – I need to talk – I’ve got myself heavily into cocaine. It’s costing me a fortune – it’s making me feel ill – sometimes I can’t face the thought of going in to work. I live alone – can’t sleep at nights – haven’t eaten in a week. Can you help me to escape – I think I’m going insane.

My name’s Sheena – I need to sort out my feelings. I’ve done detox, I’ve done rehab for coke abuse – my husband put me in –wasn’t my fault when I think back on it –should have divorced him for mental cruelty but I didn’t see it then. Truth was I only married Gordon because it was what my mother wanted. My parents and brother – I never realized they were so controlling. Me getting married to Gordon was worked out between our mothers. It was like I was used to get our family connected up with Gordon’s so my mother could preen and pride about what a good marriage her daughter had made – my brother got family connections. My father never congratulated me on my marriage – he just seemed pleased to get it over with.

All Gordon was interested in was his creative accounting – in some ways he wasn’t quite human – the only thing that really turned him on was working out ways to fiddle on taxes so that rich people got to keep their money. We had a real high society wedding – it was not about me and Gordon – photos for the local news, free food and booze for hundreds of people – business connections of our parents – hardly anyone we knew – we didn’t really have any friends as a couple. I found it frightening to have to play hostess to Gordon’s business friends. The least hint of criticism of my performance had me crying alone all day while Gordon was in the city.

Complete indifference to sex or any kind of intimacy, all he wanted in a wife was an efficient social event organizer. Children were out of the question until he had made his way. And by the way – couldn’t I find myself a better hairdresser – this latest style he thought made me look a bit frumpy- not quite the image he wanted for his wife. Showpiece, show pony – neither was my style. And then we got moved to another city.

Lonely, I got in with a few of the neighborhood wives – neglected, lonely, bored – endless tipsy luncheons, exclusive fashion events. To get through the social rounds many used cocaine. I took to cocaine like a duck to water – it was so easy to use. I never thought in terms of addiction, or thought about the cost. I was using all my allowance – buying nothing for myself or the house. If I didn’t use some cocaine every day, I just couldn’t make myself do what was needed to get our social life organized. I was deeply depressed but I didn’t realize that.

The crisis came just before Easter – to keep up our social image, I just had to ask Gordon for more money – he turned to me and said with fury – no more money, you get enough, it’s your job to budget properly. By the way, I’ve promised to buy some wine from one of the clients – put in an order –use some of your money, my pet. I realized with horror that there was not enough money – it would be hard to get through the month as it was. I put in the order with no intention of paying – the account got referred to Gordon. He thoroughly checked the household expenses – by way of explanation I had no option but to confess my addiction to cocaine.

He returned me to my parents, like an unwanted mail order bride. They packed me off to rehab to salvage family pride. Now I’ve come to you with a question – what exactly should I do – I’ve been offered Valium or Serapax – but that’s not what I want – I want independence and self respect – how do I go about that.