Cocaine Addiction

Guess we all dream of winning the big one – got my chance when my old aunt died – left me all her money. I never realized how much or I’d have tried to get it sooner. Had my parent’s house already and some money from their estate –lived in that house since the day I was born. No, I never had a wife, never really needed my job.

 Spent evenings thinking how I was going to spend the money – me, the centre of attention – wine, women – a click of the fingers – waiters would hover at my beck and call – important people would respect me – I wanted to be known as someone powerful – someone who had money. I got some decent clothes – caught the eye of the ladies but I kept pretty cool about that – bought more expensive drinks down at the footy club.

 Well, people seemed to notice a change – wasn’t long before all sorts of business type people were starting up conversations with me – instead of the usual chit chat about the game these people were talking money.

A new marina project was starting up the coast – there was talk about a casino license. I wanted to be in on the action. Inside a year I had become a businessman – investments, pubs, a coffee shop, and some shares on spec. Borrow the money I was told – you need to do that for tax purposes, I borrowed against the house.

I started going to the races. I got in with a social crowd who used cocaine a lot – you can have fun when you got money and do cocaine – it was like I had come out of a shell into some kind of endless party. I flew from coast to coast first class and took holidays overseas.

 My accountant said he had been trying to reach me – wanted a word he said – I dropped by when I could. My income was down -rents and returns were overdue. He recommended I see a lawyer but I thought I’d call the people myself. They were very reassuring – but right then, no one had any money. Then I got a call from the bank about my line of credit – they couldn’t release any more money unless I increased the funds in a term deposit. I wondered what was the problem – people suddenly seemed to be concerned about my money. I was in a different world – all I wanted to do was party.

 I decided to get the house refinanced and handed it all to the best lawyers in town for them to sort it out. I started hitting the coke every day when, as they say in business, everything went “pear shaped” There were court cases, real estate agents trying to sell my properties, brokers selling the shares. The more hassled I got the more I did coke – suddenly there was no more money – the bank was going to sell my house.

 I got furious. Drank scotch, snorted coke, went down to the footy club and broke the jaw of one of my financial “advisors”. Took off in my car to let off some steam and drove it up a tree.

 Why I’m here in rehab is I haven’t got a choice – it’s this or six month’s jail. Don’t think you’re going to talk me out of using cocaine – it’s all that I’ve got left – it’s not cocaine but trusting people that I reckon messed up my life.

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to play drums in a band. When I was in high school I wanted to be a rock star and play drums in a band. One day I got a break, a band that I admired said would I come play drums for them that night, their drummer was off sick. A talent scout from a big recording outfit just happened to be there that night, signed us up for a contract, said we didn’t need no manager – they would see us right. We sure hit it off, names up in lights, I didn’t really worry too much about the detail – I was a drummer in a touring band – I reckoned I’d hit the heights.

 We got a few days at the end of the tour to go back to our home town. I asked the manager about my money, he said it was all fixed – go talk to my Dad about that..Brother, sister, Mom and Dad – they all looked at me suspicious – it was then I found out that because I was still a minor, not of legal age, my Dad had signed the contract for me, he was managing my money.

 I couldn’t wait to get back on the road – I felt like I’d suddenly grown up – I wanted to be out with the band I wanted to spread my wings. The group was a few years older than me, on the next tour they went in for having parties that the manager organized at hotels. I got introduced to girls and sex and most people were doing drugs of one kind or another. One night I decided to try some coke – it seemed like a cool thing to do – it was too easy, it felt good. By the end of the tour I was hooked.

 I stopped making phone calls home, didn’t want to go back there. I was in a different world now. Home was something I had left behind. I was a rock star in a travelling band.

 When I turned 19, I went back home. I wanted to check out my money but there was only about half of what I estimated should have been in the kitty. I fronted Dad – where is the money I earned. Dad simply said that the manager’s fees had reduced the percentage by half – keeping you lot supplied and out of trouble deserves, in my opinion, every cent that he’s claimed.

 Well, the wind dropped out of my sails. Suddenly the free life in the band sucked, I just felt empty and used. That manager – feeding us dope and ripping off our money – no way was I going back.

 I think Dad knew how I felt – if it helps he said – the number of times your mother said that I had to go out there and fetch you – I said just settle down – he’ll come back in his own good time. In that moment I felt respect for Dad that I never had felt before.

I went to this holistic detox boot camp. Came back cocaine free, feeling really ripped and alive. It wasn’t in me anymore to be hitting on the skins. All I wanted to do from then on was to become a personal trainer.

I called up this chick from the band days. Most days we work out together. Last time I saw Dad, he gave me a wink and said – I hope it works out for you both.

I was born in a sleepy country town – girls who weren’t pregnant and settled down with their man by the time they finished school had to choose between staying home with Mum and moving to the city. I got offered work as an office girl and board with a distant cousin so it was off to the city I went.

I didn’t really fit in with the city girls that I worked with in the office – they seemed to be so clever and know so much about the world. I never had the confidence to put on as much makeup as they did – I was never sure about what to wear – I mainly stuck to twin sets and skirts like my mother wore but the girls didn’t mind – they always let me tag along with them after work – they were so full of life and energy –they attracted men like bees to honey. I usually got a taxi home fairly early as I didn’t like to put my cousin out by keeping her up late waiting for me to come home.

One day this older guy came over to me when we in a bar – I immediately found him attractive, I had never been seduced before – it really threw me – I couldn’t believe it when he asked me if I would like to go with him to some place where it was quieter. We got into a taxi but instead of going to another pub, he took me back to his apartment. That night it was the first time for me but he was extremely kind and gentle. I complimented him on the apartment – he said yes, he didn’t always want to go straight home after work – his wife perfectly understood. I should have walked out then but my emotions were all over the place – I actually thought I loved him. I liked the idea that he preferred me to his wife.

All week I was just waiting for his Friday afternoon calls. He took me to parties, we stayed in sometimes –always at weekends, he was busy in the week. He got me started on cocaine. If I’d had a difficult week at work, I looked forward to the cocaine.

One Friday he didn’t call, I became anxious, tense and upset –as the office started to close for the day, I picked up the phone to ring him – I got a recorded message. I didn’t go out with the girls, didn’t want to go back home – truth to tell I felt shattered – most of all I wanted to hit up with cocaine.

I stayed back in the office and kept calling him on the phone. I was texting him thru the weekend – he didn’t answer my calls until the Wednesday of the following week. “What’s your problem he said to me – I’ve been out of town and busy – sorry if I forgot to tell you – see you as usual Friday. Actually, he added – there is something I have to tell you.

I couldn’t wait til Friday – I thought he might be leaving his wife. We met up Friday night – he handed me a card – for the local health clinic services. Just a precaution he said –  but do give them a call – I’ve got a dose of the clap and they want to check out everyone I’ve slept with recently.

I was a wreck, I couldn’t face work, my cousin took me to the doctor who diagnosed depression and offered valium. I jumped up and shouted in his face –“Don’t you understand – I want to feel clean – I don’t want any more of that shit. I quite surprised myself.

I found a residential rehab place a few miles out of town – it took me about 3 days to recover from my “love affair” – about 3 weeks before I felt sure that I no longer wanted cocaine. My counselor shook my hand and offered me his card – if you need any more support – you know where we are. I left holistic rehab happy and content – now I had a friend in the city – I was off to make a new start.

I’m a returned vet and I haven’t worked since I came back from the war. My family didn’t know me – they kissed goodbye to an office boy – I came back as a frontline combat soldier.

My marriage didn’t last too long – nothing I could put my finger on. Things that my wife kept making a fuss about seemed pretty pointless to me. I lost interest in sex, stopped jogging round the park. Was drinking a few cans of beer a day – my psychiatrist said I had anhedonia.

I remember one evening in front of the tv I saw a vein pulsing in my wife’s neck in the soft glow from the screen. I rapidly calculated how to best to shift myself over to stop the pulse in the artery. It was a shock when I came to myself and realized that I had just made a field assessment on my wife.

One day I was complaining at my mother’s house. She was a widow now. She simply said if it will help you out – come and live with me. So I moved in with my mother and things worked out quite well. She doesn’t mind how much beer I drink as long as I put the empty cans in the sink for her rinse through and recycle.

Was one incident early on when mother tipped a full bottle of scotch whiskey into the kitchen sink. When I realized what she’d done – I grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her around to face me. Don’t ever do that again I growled – and for emphasis followed it up with – and that’s a direct order. It was about this time that I started to use cocaine with a group of ex army pals – this incident with mother had confused me – I didn’t want issues between us about whiskey drinking again.

Read more »